Sneaking Santas and Copynins
by Lila Priceless
Summary: The Christmas spirit is alive and well in Konoha; much to someone's chagrin.


Kakashi's eye crinkled with sincerity as he smiled and made small talk with everyone he encountered while meandering about the village. The newly imported Christmas season was his favorite time of year. Everyone was full of peace and goodwill towards their fellow man and willingly opened their kitchens and sake bottles hosting elaborate parties to prove it.

Two hours and twelve invites after leaving the Memorial Stone, Kakashi made his way to the mission room. He'd already hobnobbed with most of its occupants so he turned his attention to the brunet talking animatedly with a group of genin.

Kakashi waited until they'd handed in their report before walking over to the man. He'd learned first-hand the dangers of interfering with Iruka-sensei when he was speaking to children."Good evening, Iruka-sensei. Merry Christmas to you."

Iruka looked up from the report he was reading and stared at the Copy-nin. "Oh Kami! Not you too. The kids I can understand, but I'm surprised you've fallen for this Christmas trick."

Kakashi blinked slowly. He was certain Iruka would be one of those shinobi who'd fallen madly in love with the foreign holiday. He'd heard countless tales of how each year Iruka would invite Naruto over and cook a feast that began with an appetizer course consisting of seven different types of ramen.

It was impossible that Umino Iruka - a man whose eggnog literally brought Shizune and Kurenai to blows over the last cup; a man whose rum-balls were so strong they sent Rock Lee into a meditative state in which he calmly practiced katas and earned Jiraiya the best night of his fifty plus years (even if he nor Tsunade remembered it); the man whose rendition of Silent Night brought Morino Ibiki, Hyuuga Hiashi and thirteen ANBU to tears - did not like Christmas.

"Stop joking, Iruka-sensei. I know your heart is full of the Christmas spirit," Kakashi exclaimed. Even Sasuke had spoken of Iruka's gingerbread shuriken with a passion normally reserved for speeches about killing Itachi.

"It's no joke, Kakashi. He means it," Genma chimed in.

"But, Iruka-sensei you have to love it," Kakashi whimpered. "I've seen the tree in your classroom and the decorations at your apartment. How could you not like Christmas?"

Iruka's eyes narrowed and he nearly growled at man standing before him "Kakashi-sensei, if that's who you really are, why have you been looking in my apartment? Did Orochimaru put you up to this?"

"I ahh no ahh you see… wait, did you say Orochimaru?" Kakashi finally stammered genuinely confused and hoping Iruka would forget he'd just admitted to peeking. "What does he have to do with anything?"

Genma smiled and removed the senbon before sitting on floor. Iruka's take on Christmas was always entertaining; he didn't need to choke on his senbon and crack his skull as he fell on the floor laughing like he did the last time Iruka educated the unsuspecting.

Iruka rolled his eyes and exhaled before asking his first question: "When was Christmas introduced to this village?"

"I'm not exactly sure, but Yondaime-sama was still living."

"Who was the person who introduced it?"

"I don't know. A group of shinobi returning from a mission?"

"Do you know what happened a few months after Konoha's first Christmas? Seven months, to be exact?"

"No?"

"Last year, what did you get Sasuke for Christmas?"

"Sasuke?" Kakashi cringed as he thought of his lost student. "Chakra gloves, a set of shuriken, and a comic book. Icha Icha for Beginner's Limited Edition."

Iruka pinched his forehead to calm his temper. "For now I'm going to ignore the fact that you bought a child such smut, but if you didn't get him a pair of titanium reinforced gauntlets, who did? It wasn't Sandaime. Even if I didn't support Naruto's ramen habit I couldn't afford it. His fangirls pitched in and bought him a kunai set engraved with each of their pictures so who bought the gauntlets for him?"

"I …" Kakashi paused. He'd seen the expensive armor beneath the oversized wristbands Sasuke wore each day and never thought to question their origin. "He's rich. He could have bought them himself."

"If he bought them he wouldn't have thanked me for them," Iruka deadpanned. "He said Santa paid him a visit, but he knew I did it since they were beside the blanket and potted tomato plants I gave him. I played along and started investigating. No one in this village bought them."

"Mayb…"

Kakashi was cut off by Iruka adding, "No. It wasn't Itachi and you do not have security clearance to know how I gained that knowledge."

Iruka looked around to make sure no else had entered the mission room before continuing: "Christmas was brought to this village by a medical ninja during the Third War. He adopted a foreign boy orphaned by the battles and wanted to make him feel at home. Yaku-"

"Yakushi Kabuto," Kakashi interrupted. He felt something in his gut twist as Iruka confirmed that was the child's name.

"We haven't been able to confirm the father's involvement, but seven months later people began going missing. It was later determined that Orochimaru had kidnapped them for use in his experiments."

"He uses the belief in Santa Claus to henge into the fat man and then sneaks into people's houses. Once there he observes the children and takes DNA samples. After his midget slaves analyze the material he finds a way to kidnap the ones he wants."

"Midget slaves?" Kakashi asked incredulously as Genma began to snicker.

"Yes," Iruka continued with a firm nod. "The midgets are from the Elf clan. They produce highly concentrated chakra due to the shortened pathways inside their squat stocky bodies. However, their short legs make them easy to catch when they try to run away. They used to ride flying reindeer but Orochimaru cut off their wings and fed most of them to Manda once he realized how the Elves were getting away. Although I have heard that one of the nine surviving reindeer was bitten by Manda, but not eaten. He developed a red nose after being exposed to the snake's venom."

"Ahh, I see," Kakashi nodded. It was entirely plausible that Orochimaru was using the Santa myth to sneak into the village and observe its children but anyone who knew the youth obsessed Sannin was aware he'd never take on the form of anything short of physical perfection especially one with wrinkles and gray hair. Besides, in the twenty-odd years Kakashi been a shinobi he'd never heard of an entire clan of midgets, much less ones with superior chakra abilities. Plus there were no such things as flying reindeer. Kakashi knew he had to think fast or else he'd never get to sample the cooking that made Uchiha-obsessed female adolescents forget about Sasuke in favor of licking their fingers and rubbing their round overstuffed stomachs.

Genma eyed Kakashi warily. He'd been around the man enough to know when he was scheming.

"So Sensei, in light of this threat to our village… what are you doing for Christmas this year?" Kakashi asked lightheartedly, confirming his fellow jounin's suspicions.

"The same thing I always do." Iruka shrugged. "Sharpen my weapons and gather any orphans who might need my protection."

"So do you cook for these orphans?"

"What kind of question is that? Who would invite children to their house and not feed them?" Iruka huffed in response.

"How about I come over and help you protect them?"

"Do you mean it?" Iruka asked enthusiastically. Most people shook their heads and laughed when he explained the origins of Christmas, so he was delighted someone other than Naruto took him seriously.

"Of course I do." Kakashi nodded. "Did Naruto tell you about that kid we fought in Wave Country? The boy who had an ice-based bloodline limit?"

"Yes, it's sad what Mist has done to those with bloodlines. It's a shame that he was the last of his clan. There was no one there for him." Iruka sighed as he remembered being alone after his parents died serving the village.

"That's the thing, Sensei. I don't think he was the last of his clan. On my last mission to Snow County, I encountered what I think may have been a fat albino cousin. He wore a silk hat and had eyes as dark as coal. I think he may have had wooden legs because he made this _thumpetty thump thump, thumpety thump thump_ sound when he ran. I'll tell you all about it when I come over."

"Alright, Kakashi-sensei. I'd like that. Tell me, how do you feel about ham baked with a brown sugar, pineapple, tangerine, and mango crust; little sausage octopuses slow-cooked in spicy mustard barbecue sauce, accompanied by homemade bread with garlic cheese, mashed potatoes and a crown roast with miso ramen in the center? Oh and rum and sake balls. We can have those once the children are no longer in danger."

At the very mention of food, free home-cooked food, Kakashi's mouth began to water. "Sensei, I feel good about all those things. How about I follow you home tonight and help you sharpen the weapons? I'll tell you about my encounter with a team of Orochimaru's Sound ninjas. One was a little drummer boy that carried drums almost as big as he was; the other was a young girl that used jingling bells as her weapons. I really didn't get a good look at the third guy, but he created sonic waves by yelling 'do you hear what I hear'. It was unnerving to say the least."

"Really? How did you defeat them?"

Genma was grateful he'd already removed the senbon; if not, he definitely would have choked as Kakashi dropped him a triumphant wink after weaseling several free meals from the best cook in the village.

Author's Note: Thank you Megyal for a thorough and fast beta read.


End file.
